A few days ago, I had to sit down with our oldest two (10-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son) and have the most difficult conversation with them I’ve ever had.
No, not THAT conversation. For that they would have been segregated. I wouldn’t have THAT conversation with both of them there.
This one, for me, was more difficult than the “there will not be any Christmas presents this year” conversation. (As you may remember, they were the ones comforting me that time, saying, “It’s OK.” You may also remember that, at the last minute, because of some dear friends, we were able to put some things under the tree for them.) As I sat them down and tried to tell them what was on my mind, they began to try to guess what it was. Their guesses actually made the conversation a little easier on me.
“Children, come sit down, I need to tell you two something.”
“What is it?”
“This is really difficult for me to tell you. We. . .”
“We’re moving again?????”
“No, it’s not that. Your mother and I have talked about this for a long time, and . . .”
“You’re getting a divorce?”
“No, no, no. Nothing like that. It’s just that times have been really hard for us this year, as you know. You remember how we almost didn’t have Christmas presents this year, don’t you? Well . . .”
(10 year old:) “It’s camp, isn’t it?”
“Yes, sweetheart, it is. I’m so sorry.”
At this point I broke down. She reassured me, as she did at Christmas time, “It’s OK. I understand.”
She then proceeded to tell her brother about the high cost of gas this summer, and how we live even farther from North Carolina than we did before, etc., etc. She explained everything I was going to try to explain.
It made me realize that the things they would have been really destroyed about were things that affect the integrity of our family and our being together: our home, our lives together, our love for each other, etc. Not camp.
Still, part of me feels like an absolute crumb. I don’t want to be one of those parents who makes promises and then doesn’t follow through. I don’t want their childhood to be one long string of disappointments. I feel for both of them, but our oldest has been to camp the past three summers: this was to have been our son’s first time to go to camp, and he was SO excited.
10 year old then started to tear up. But what she said was not what I expected, “I wanted to have my birthday with my family anyway this year,” she said. “Yeah,” said our eight year old, “I wanted us to do more things as a family this summer anyway.” I don’t know if they were really thinking those things beforehand, or if they were just trying to make me feel better because they could tell how devastated I was to be letting them down like this, yet again. Yet again. Story of their lives, so far.
I hope she can go back one of these summers to the place that had almost become a second home for her, (and, for two unbelievably wonderful summers, for the rest of us too). I hope he gets the chance to go to the camp he was dreaming of one summer soon. Given the realities of life, at this point I seriously doubt that either one will, and it breaks my heart for both of them.
I know, there are plenty of children in this world without adequate food and shelter, etc., etc. With food and raiment we should be content, etc., etc., etc. Builds character. All those other well-intentioned reminders that come along at a time like this.
Doesn’t make me not feel like a crumb.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Cancerman // May 2, 2006 at 18:10
Thanks for sharing this. I wish I could do something about it.
Sounds like your kids are growing up like mine.
It’s a basic tennant of conservatism that the economic escalator only goes up. It’s good for people to know that due to things like cancer or serving God that cause finacial difficulties for otherwise upstanding hard working people.
2 RevJATB // May 2, 2006 at 19:03
Thanks, Cancerman. Good thoughts.
I know that no situation is permanent. I just needed to express this.
3 Chef // May 2, 2006 at 19:38
CancerMan has brief periods of spelling confusion–blame the chemo, I guess.
Seriously, though, I am sorry your children have seen some hard realities at such a young age. They sound like lovely, kind children like their parents.
They can always come to Atlanta for some fun especially if you are coming for GA.
4 RevJATB // May 2, 2006 at 20:34
Wow! Chef is in da house. Thanks for the invite. I don’t know if we’re going to get that far this summer, but if we do you can be assured we’ll get all of us together with all of you.
5 ChuckM // May 2, 2006 at 20:38
Not so much a “well-intentioned reminder” as just a few words from my own personal experience:
When I about Buster’s age, my parents went through a really difficult time. When I was six, we moved from New Orleans as a solid middle class family to start a new business. About a year and a half later, their business partner declared bankruptcy and left town. He saddled my parents with all the business debt and the business went belly up as a result. We could have declared bankruptcy, but my parents decided not to. I’ve never asked them why, but I suspect that they couldn’t bring themselves to do that. Same thing with welfare, which we would have qualified for. My mom, who had been a SAHM, had to take a minimum wage job to help pay the bills and later went back to school to get her teaching degree. My dad took a job managing a McD’s (which he still does and enjoys).
To be truthful, I never realized how bad it was. My parents remember that time as the worst in their lives. They couldn’t provide for my brother and me the way they wanted to. Christmas was slim, but I don’t remember that. I loved what presents I did get. I think we played park league baseball and football on “scholarship” at least one year, but I didn’t find that out until later. I didn’t know that the landlady let us miss a month’s rent when things were really tight. I do remember that I had parents that loved my brother and I tremendously. I remember a lot of good times.
Love on your kids and hold your wife tight tonight.
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